You may have noticed that I have been reposting some older pieces of writing.  This is one I wrote back in 2004, sat in the rest area at a local museum, while my boys ran around and had fun.
 
What is a parent to do when their older children want to come to the hands on science museum for the umpteenth time and really don’t need that parent to go around with them? Why, write of course.

They are busy running around like mad things and I get to sit here by the vending machines, all by myself, writing away.

What shall I write?

It’s Tuesday 17th February 2004. That means that in 2 days time I will have been married for 10 years. 10 whole years. There were many many times that I never thought I would see this day. Many times I thought he would drive me so mad I would have to leave, many many times I thought I just could not take any more.

There were even times I thought he might do something silly and hurt me, or even himself for that matter, at times.

There were times when if he was late home I would be wondering where he was, what he was doing, thinking he must be with someone else, rather than just blaming traffic as I would now.

Even as recently as last summer at church camp at church camp I was bawling to M and T saying I didn’t feel anything for him any more and didn’t know how much more I could take.

Then, last week, at the ladies meeting at T’s we were talking about Andrew’s job situation and A mentioned what her husband had said about Andrew’s many skills. I responded that he doesn’t see himself that way, that his self esteem is low and I think he’s even afraid to look for something new. T said something like “but he is an amazing man”. I told her I knew that and that I thought he was absolutely amazing and that I really loved him. Then I laughed and commented that that was such a change from last summer. T just sat there grinning.

You see, even for someone who has suffered with a low self esteem for much of her life, I find it difficult to see how someone who is so wonderful and gives of himself so much, both to family and to the community through scouts, can think of himself SO lowly.

I love that man so much, far more than I could ever have imagined when we were going through all that ‘stuff’.

Last summer with M and T, I repented of all the threats to leave and committed myself to stay out of love. I never imagined, then, that I would feel so strongly for him now. Never imagined this love would be so strong in my heart.

I love him so much that it makes me cry. Not tears of pain, or fear, but tears of love and joy and thankfulness and yes, even tears of regret.

Regrets for all the times I could have loved and supported him and didn’t. Those are the acts, the sins of omission, the things I could have done, should have done, that I didn’t. But there are times I sinned against Andrew by active sins of commission, and those hurt me, now, supremely. I cannot believe some of the things I did, cannot begin to imagine how they would have made him feel and how I, his wife, the one who should build him up more than any person on this earth, probably contributed to his low opinion of himself.

Here is a man whom I love, adore and desire. Here is a man who I am so thankful for, so proud of.

I am thankful to God for bringing us together, so thankful for his amazing ability to love, so thankful for his willingness to change and desire to be a better husband and father. I am so thankful for his strength, his physical strength, clambering up into that loft whenever I need stuff fetching down of putting back up, his emotional strength, the way he comes along side me when I am down and lifts me up and tried to protect me.

I am so thankful for his spiritual strength. That is something that he doesn’t see in himself, but I know that it is there, KNOW that this is an amazing man who can achieve mighty things With God, who can lead this family through everything the world and the enemy would try to throw at us, and he can lead us out the other side, stronger as a family, stronger in our spiritual lives and more ready to achieve what god has for this family.

You know I am even thankful for his past, for the things that happened to him and the things in our past that sought to drive us apart. Why? Those things sometimes still affect us, they are certainly partly responsible for some of the problems we struggle with now, particularly in the communication area. They are things that I hate that they happened, would NEVER wish on anyone else, and yet I can say I am now thankful for them. Why? Because without those things, he wouldn’t be the person he now is, without those things, we would not have the future that we have, and without those things god would not be in line to get a might great victory when the enemy discovers that his plans backfired and Andrew overcame all of that to become the might man of God he already is.

I am so proud of him, proud for how hard he works to provide for us, proud of the changes he has already made in his life, proud of the hard work he puts in with the scouts. He is so amazing. I love him so much and I am so thankful that I decided to marry him, despite the problems.

10 years. There are a lot of people who didn’t think we would make it this far, but we did, and here we are. And although we’re not going to get as long away as we would like to celebrate that, I am so looking forward to this time together on our own. Yes, the renewing of the vows, with all the trimmings would have been nice, and that would have announced to the world, “We made it”, but somehow I don’t need that now, I don’t need to tell them, it’s enough that we know and that we love each other.