Love Does That

I've been trying to persuade myself that I NEED a new phone. Mine still works, is only 2 years old, but I NEED something better, with more facilities, that is easier to use for emailing, etc. Last week I started doing a weekly time of focussing and planning that I wrote about here. Some of the things involved in that process do need me to have access to the internet, such as checking my google calendar with my other written calendars, possibly coming up with some of the recipes for our menu that week and so on.
With a newer, better phone I could do that, so I was trying to convince myself I needed it. But the truth is, I am only 1 week into doing this, and although I want to be able to do it out of the house rather than at home I haven't even tried that yet so have no idea if that is going to suit me at all, let alone whether I need the new phone or not.

Last week my husband did something financially which in itself was NOT a big deal but it reminded me of some things that had happened in the past and I was NOT IMPRESSED!

But yesterday I came to a realisation. HOW is me trying to convince myself I need this phone any less wrong than what he did. OK, maybe I included him in the process whereas he had not included me, BUT I am well aware that he is feeling a little guilty over what he did last week and therefore more likely to say yes, and that he has a hard time saying no to me anyway, even when he should.
If I KNOW that truly I do not NEED this phone, or even if I am just not certain yet, what gives me the right to stretch an already tight budget even further?

Whatever he is guilty of having done, it does not make it OK for me to do this. I do NOT need this phone and I choose that for this period of time at least I will NOT be buying it. THE END! No more looking at the website, ogling it, no more "look at what a good deal that company has on their web browsing from your phone", none of it, this is OVER.

Do I feel good about that decision? I don't know.
Do I feel slightly holier than my husband because I did the right thing AGAIN? Probably yes, if I am honest and that fact alone should make me sick to my stomach, should make me want to wretch and run a mile from it.

So why don't I? What is it about the sin of self righteousness that makes us think it is any more acceptable than any other sin.

Father God, I am sorry. You did not send your son to die for me so that i could stain his name by thinking this way, by elevating myself above someone else.

WOW. What an awesome, amazing God. He still loves us even when we have treated him so vilely, when we, who claim his name, have walked in judgement and condemnation of others. And yet HE LOVES US.

But that's the whole point isn't it, that's where the whole story started. A people, whom God loved, who were not capable of being good enough, who in their own strength could never be worthy. So, God fixed it. He gave up his only son, so that we, a people he already knew would fail over and over again, could have a relationship with him. Because, whatever we have done, God's love is bigger, and we turn to him, express our regret and pain at having hurt him, ourselves and others and we resolve to be different & then something magical happens.

By ourselves that resolve achieves nothing. In fact I read a very wise woman last week who wrote that

trying harder only results in harder trials.
Self-striving nurtures self-hatred.

God himself, makes us different. He loves us, he accepts us, He makes us new, He makes us able to be different. He, by His love, does that.

LOVE DOES THAT!